Water Your Lawn: How to Pursue Your Significant Other

Why We Stop Pursuing

Typically people head into marriage without much understanding or advice. A few movies and shows help them develop their mental picture of how it should all go. Then, once we're into it, you two feel like it's us against the world, we can do this. Then we realize it's tough.

What happens then is, knowing that it's tough, when you have kids and life gets really busy, you start to divide and conquer.

"You take this and I'll take this and we'll meet up and high-five at the end of the day hopefully we can make it there."

"You do your job, I'll do my job, we'll take care of these things, pay the bills, do all the stuff, take care of the dogs, take care of the kids, get rid of the dogs because the kids are too much work."

All of those things. We begin to feel like we're facing the world alone because we've divided and we're conquering. Then we start to feel like, "I'm doing all this stuff to keep our world going and I don't even know what they're doing anymore." Then we get to this place where we feel undervalued and under-appreciated.

Then people sit with me and they say, "I just don't think we're in love anymore." A lot of it is not because they don't love each other, not because they don't care, not because they don't want it to work out. It's because they quit pursuing one another.

Filling the Void

I'm going to tell you, I watch marriages and couples where men and women sometimes, but mostly men turn to their phones and their computers and begin watching pornographic material and taking that in to fill their sexual desires and sexual needs.

Here's the reason, it's not because they like the sexy stuff. If you talk to any counselor, any therapist, they will tell you that men most often view pornographic material because it's about the pursuit. It's one click to the next, to the next, to the next, to the next, to the next, to the next. It gives you something to pursue.


Because we've stopped pursuing our mates and we've stopped pursuing one another and all of a sudden we have to find something to put in our lives to fill that void.

Water Your Lawn

Let me just tell you this, if the grass looks greener on the other side, maybe it's time to water your own yard.

How do we water the "lawn" in our relationships? By pursuing the person we are with.

1 Corinthians says this, "Go after a love of life as if your life depended on it because it does. Give yourselves to the gifts God gives you. Most of all, try to proclaim the truth."

So how do we do it? 

When You See it, Say it

Make sure you are a mate, a date, a person who's noticing other people and live by the attitude of saying, "I'm going to say thank you for being amazing. Thank you for being gorgeous. I would marry you all over again. I would ask you out on that first date all over again. I can't imagine that there's anything better." 
You need to speak those things when your mind hits them. How many times do you think of something and you just don't say it? Don't let that happen. When you see it, say it. When you think it, say it. We all need to be told, we all need to be reminded. 

Let me just give you some his and hers tips. You ready?

For her, give her words of affection. Ladies need words of affection. Guys, let me be clear with you: affection doesn't always mean sex. So we're talking about nonsexual affection. Affection that is not touching. A back rub that is just a back rub. You know what I'm talking about.

Guys can make any statement, we can do things and say things that hurt and distract, but when we say things that love and intend love, it reminds us of who we are. Especially for ladies, when you give a compliment, when you share life, you're reminding her, "I love you because you think of me." That's a word of affection.

I love you because you think of me. I love you because you reflect Jesus in so many ways. I love you because you're fun. I love you because you're self-sacrificing. I love you because you're my best friend in the whole world.

What about for guys? Pursue him with words of affirmation. 

Ladies, let me just encourage you he is becoming what you see in him don't tell him what he's not. "You never...", "You don't...", "I wish you would...", "If you were just like..." 

That kind of stuff doesn't help.

Tell him the things you see in him, see about him.

Maybe he's taken out the trash once this month. "You know what honey? I love that you're a man who takes out the trash." He'd be like, "You know what? I can do it. It's pretty easy. I got muscles and stuff, been working out. I held off I only ate three donuts at church on Sunday so it's cool."

Build him up spiritually. When you say things like, "Honey, when you take me to church, that makes me feel so close to you." Whew. That's good stuff right there.

He will become what you see and what you affirm.

Let me remind you: she wants to know: do you love me today? He wants to know: do you believe in me today?

Just Do

James 4:17 says, "If anyone then knows to do good and what he ought to do and doesn't do it to them, it's sin."
I'm going to tell you, it's sinful in your marriage not to do the things you know you should do. There's times when it's late at night and the headache hits, and those kinds of things, sometimes you submit.

There are times that we say, "I know that this would be beneficial to our life and our marriage and I'm part of this. We'll just be, I'll just do, I'm going to make sure and act first."

Real love must be practical and observable. So what do you do?
  • Write a note
  • Send flowers (bonus points if you have them delivered to a place where she'll be with other ladies)
  • Make the bed
  • Choose a chick-flick instead of a shoot-em-up movie
  • Join him golfing (worst case scenario you get to enjoy a golf cart ride)
  • Join her while she serves

If you want something to be different, be the difference. Change it up. Make it look different. Choose to always honor & always pursue. 
This blog post contains excerpts from Week 3 of the "You & Me" sermon series.

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